Jokes 'Uncensored '

this is for writing jokes. if u hear a funny joke and want 2 write it down, u now have somewhere.

EDIT: Many of the jokes in this thread are seriously inappropriate, proceed with caution.

I got a bunch of jokes some may not be completely apropriate but jokes are jokes.

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's illegal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "I just want to sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the odometer in your car back to 50,000, miles. Then you shouldn't have a problem selling your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About a month later, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
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One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.
On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
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Little Johnny's kindergarden class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly."

So Little Johnny asked, "Why the f*** didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
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An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, "If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?"
One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, "None, 'cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away." The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, "No, there would be one -- the one that the farmer shot."

The teacher replied, "No, Johnny, you're wrong, but I like the way you think."

"OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you," boasted Johnny. "Let's say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?"

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, "Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside."

Johnny responded, "No, teacher, you're wrong -- it's the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think."

_________________________________________

A grade school teacher gave the assignment to her class, that each student should think of a story and then a moral for that story to share with the class the next day. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, and little Suzy raises her hand.
"My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next little Lucy offers to tell her story, and she says, "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story and Lucy replies, "Don't count your eggs before they're hatched."

Finally it's little Johnny's turn and he says, "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a machine gun, a machete, and a case of beer. On the way down he drank the case of beer." "Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story and Johnny replies, "Don't mess with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

____________________________________________

Smart Ass Answer ..5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
***************

Smart Ass Answer ..4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
*******************

Smart Ass Answer ..3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
*******************

Smart Ass Answer ..2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
*******************

..1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

0_o aft, where in hell did u get these? they are funny as shit,

hahaha i know and i cant tell you its a secret. but i'll put up some more.


Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!'

Miss Rogers:'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?'

Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.'

Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

______________________________________

Little Johnny was going to his faters house one day and he was packing everthing in his room and putting it in his little red wagon.

He was walking to his fathers house with his wagon behind him, when he came to this hill.

He started up the hill but was constantly swearing "This God damn thing is so heavy"

A priest heard him and came out. "You shouldn't be swearing" said the priest. "God hears you...He is everywhere...He's in the chruch...He's on the sidewalk...He's everywhere"

Then Little Johnny says "Oh is he in my Wagon"

The prist replies "Yes Johnny God is in your Wagon"

Little Johnny says "Well tell him to get the hell out and start pulling"
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One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, "Johnny, what are you doing?"

Then, Johnny said, "It hurts down there."

"Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home", said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again, and he had his dick haging out of his pants.

The teacher said, "Johnny, what's that doing hanging out of your pants?!"

Then Johnny said, "My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she'll come and pick me up."
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One day there was this little boy named Johny he had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand and asked the teacher "can I go to the bathroom." she said no.

Then 5 mins later he raised his hand and said "damit I have to piss can I go to the bathroom."She said "no not with that mouth."She said now go to the corner and say your a,b,c's.frontwords and backwords

He went to the corner and said "a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h,i,j,k,l,m,n,o,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z"

Then he said "z,y,x,w,v,u,t,s,r,q,o,n,m,l,k,j,i,h,g,f,e,d,c,b,a"

Then she said "Where is the p."

Lil Johny said "Running down my leg."
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Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.
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Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag

She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple.

Then he says now let me give you one.

He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard , and it's got a head.

The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose.

Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking.
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Little Johnny goes to his father and asks, "Dad, is god a man or a woman?"

His Dad replies, "Johnny, both. God is both."

Johnny asks, "Dad, is god black or white?'

His Dad says, "Both. God is both."

Ok, then Johnny asks, "Dad, is Michael Jackson God?"
___________________________________________

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

knock knock

whos there?

a terrorist, f***ing bang.

... i don't get it

a terrorist is at the door and sets off the bomb attached 2 his chest.

i guess but it doesn't really seem like much of a joke...

*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

????

Aft those are some LONG posts of jokes. dam funny though

hahaha why thank you

wot does a grape and an elephant have in common?

there both green, except 4 the elephant.

whaaaaaa, u have some,..............diffrent jokes in mind =/

i no. i have some i cant put on here tho.

sure you can this is jokes we dont take it seriously

aft,i showed the jokes to alot of friends, they request more, give them some

hahahaha i will give me a bit

MORE, they demanding at my door =\

hahaha tell them they will just have to wait and if they rush me i may have to take longer

ok, just add more, ppl love them

hahaha ok

Little Johnny and Billy were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.

Little Johnny said, "My father is better than your father."

Billy said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother."

Little Johnny paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing."
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Little Johnny and his grandfather are fishing by a peaceful lake beneath some weeping willow trees. The grandfather takes out a cigarette and lights it.

Little Johnny says, "Grandpa, can I try one of your cigarettes?"

"Can you touch your butt with your penis?"

"No," replies Little Johnny.

"Then, you're not big enough," explains the grandfather.

A few minutes pass, and the man takes a beer out of his cooler and opens it.

Little Johnny then asks, "Grandpa, can I have some of your beer?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"No," says Little Johnny.

"Then, you're not old enough."

Time passes and they continue to fish. Little Johnny gets hungry so he reaches into his lunch box, takes out a bag of cookies, and eats one.

The grandfather looks at him and says, "They look good, can I have one of your cookies?"

"Can you touch your asshole with your penis?"

"I most certainly can!" says the grandfather proudly.

"Then go F*** yourself... these are my cookies!"
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An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child, Little Johnny.

The doctor instructed Little Johnny to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

Little Johnny did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

No sooner had he done this than another baby pops out, than another, and yet another. A puzzled Little Johnny quickly blows out the lamp.

The doctor yells, "What did you do that for?"

"The light's attracting them!" replied Little Johnny.
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, David?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well, ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

_____________________________________________


A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to F*** with the Lone Ranger."
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One day. little Johnny heard some strange noises coming from his parent's bedroom, so he walked in to see what was going on. To his surprise, he found his father on top of his mother. "Daddy, what are you doing?"

"Umm... I'm playing poker, Johnny."

"Then, what's Mommy doing, Daddy?"

"Umm... she's my wild card, Johnny."

Johnny appeared to be satisfied with the answers and walked away.

The next day, little Johnny spent the entire morning in the bathroom. His father started to get worried, so he knocked on the bathroom door. "Johnny, what are you doing in there?"

There was no answer, so his father opened the door only to find little Johnny in playing with himself. "Johnny, what the hell are you doing!"

"I'm playing poker, Daddy."

"Oh, really... well, where's your wild card?"

Johnny grinned and replied, "With a hand like this, who needs a wild card!"
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Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. 'If you had ten dollars,' said the teacher, 'and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?'

'Ten,' said Little Johnny firmly.

'Ten?' the teacher said 'How do you make it ten?'

'Well,' replied Little Johnny 'You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn't mean you'll get it!'
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Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning. He got to thinking about things, and asked, "Mommy, why does Daddy have such little hair on his head?"

"He thinks a lot, dear" replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a such good answer to her husband's baldness.

"Then, why do you have so much hair?" asked Little Johnny.

"Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother....
__________________________________________

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner.

As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

'Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?' Gramma asked him.

'I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma' exclaimed Johnny. 'There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!'

'Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!'

'Well, Gramma,' replied Johnny, 'if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!'
______________________________________________

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

'Johnny wait until we say our prayer.' his mother reminded him.

'I don't have to.' The boy replied.

'Of course, you do', his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating at our house.'

'That's at our house,' Johnny explained, 'But this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!'
____________________________________________

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!'

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'

'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
_______________________________________________

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted for his birthday.

"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday".

Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year.

"Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."

Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1: Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2: Dear God, this is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny

Johnny knew that this wasn't true either so he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3: Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a red bike for my birthday. Johnny

Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either so he wrote another letter.

Letter 4: Dear God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you. Johnny

Johnny knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked, as Johnny looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," she told him.

Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Johnny went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5: God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike. Signed You Know Who.
________________________________________________

Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is, and she replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again, she replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Then, Johnny asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

His mother shouts, "Go to your room, young man!"

On the way to his room, Johnny trips over his mother's purse and her driver's license falls out. He glances at it and then says with a grin, "I know all about you now...You're 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds, and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"



hows that?

they'll get a kick out of these tomorrow, thx, and, i put at bottom


All Posted by: Afthotstreak719

Printed and Presented by: ryknow69
=D

hahahaha nice


i don't want go put racist ones up because that might get some people upset. but if people say they don't mind then i will.

ill ask, but yea, be settle on some things, like racism, u need reader aprooval, before posting, but not TOO racist, but they love everything u got and im running low on paper printing them =D